ひさしぶり。

Every time I find myself in the mood for blogging and writing down my thoughts, I always end up wanting to stop immediately. Even and especially when I find something incredibly relevant, heartfelt, or important... there's just still an element of distrust in every expressible medium. Still, like many of my generation, where often times the only means of true expression is through the all-encompassing web, I guess there's few other resources at my disposal. That said:

Boston University sent me another email today. They still have yet to receive and file my spring grades. This is most frustrating to say in the least. Last thursday as two buddies and I were visiting a mentor in Amherst, I made it a point to pick up my spring transcript so I could hand deliver it to the Undergraduate Admissions Office in Boston University. I delivered it on Monday and it is now Thursday. I'm beginning to wonder about transferring. I mean, I've always had my doubts - especially considering the financial strain that it'll put on my parents. I've got a good deal at Umass - I've got a management level job, I'm probably going to be able to double major and stay an extra year (which'll really help me as an Accounting major), I've got great friends - from church and elsewhere, and when I graduate, I'll be debt free so I can get my tail to Beijing immediately after graduation. All this leads me to question my motivation for transfering in the first place. Well...

1) I, perhaps like many others, feel suffocated. I feel suffocated by the walls of comfort and complacency that I've built around myself. While these walls have allowed me a safe zone to come back to - a home away from home, they've also sheltered me from reality. I don't know if BU is the answer, I really don't, but at this point I feel like anything is better than staying where I am. This has been a re-occuring theme in my life this past semester. I've felt a deep desire to leave this place. I'm not only talking about Umass, I'm talking about anything and everything that is comfortable. In some ways, I feel like I need to spread out these wings and fly. Honestly, I have no idea whether I'll find or acheive "success", but in some ways I don't think I'm even searching for that. I just want to experience the process and whether I crash and burn, I'm all for it.

2) In addition to feelings of suffocation, I've been feeling... death. At the risk of sounding really morbid, I don't say 'death' because I'm trying to exaggerate my state of emo-ness, but because I don't think any other word can better describe the state of my spiritual man. Perhaps this is just a continuation of reason 1) with the crash and burn analogy, but to continue that analogy, perhaps what I'm hoping for is the resurrection. The phoenix that is reborn from the ashes - you know what I mean. I've been feeling spiritually dead for the past year.

My college church does almost nothing for me. There really are no leaders in the church in whom I can find any refuge. When IBM graduated last year, that was the end for me. Well, maybe it was even earlier. When SCA's piece of shit husband/ pastor went and showed his true colors, I think that got me well enough to reverse some of the flow. Maybe I never liked the man, but definitely since then I've found myself slowly closing up.

3) I should mention, I guess, the initial excuse of a reason why I wanted to transfer. I wanted to reset my grade point average. I had a 2.78 or something like that at the end of my freshman year. Long story short, some things happened last summer that really made want to try harder. I believed I could do it and when I got my first (ever) 4.0 at the end of fall semester this year, I felt like it was confirmation. I guess I have deep regrets about how I approached my high school career. Whether it's too little, too late or whether this motivation is totally bogus... I don't really care. I think I'm honestly past that stage in my life where I want to live according to the expectations of others. All I know is, I want to get into a great graduate school and I'd like to end my college career with as high a GPA as possible.

~ ~ ~

Hmm. To end this lovely and very stream-of-consciousness-esque post...

there was a bird who was missing part of his head/

it was the cat who uses our yard as a bed/

he was missing some hair and had a broken wing\

it was no surprise when he didn't want to sing\

in the end after not much deliberation/

father took him in, in hopes of restoration/

alas the next day it was raining cats and dogs\

but that didn't stop the cat, who finished the job\

dreams are but a reflection, prayers but a dream.
in this time of new directions and new seasons,
will you and i have a real reason?

silently the clocks tick away, our youth no longer guaranteed.
but i ask you a question, this is more than mere expression,
i want a confession, a confession from you to me.

"why do you ask? why do you seek?" said she,
"this confession will may never come from me,
 so why can't you let me be? begone! speak not to me."

the chamber doors open and soundlessly i leave,
but she knows not how much she means to me.
in the end, it is these dreams that cause me to weep.