joshyli's Revelife

Progress...

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 07:04:35 GMT

is slow, but I think it's there. "Growing Up" sometimes means starting over.

Flying without wings to a land submerged in Water / A Dirge for my Bird

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 06:12:43 GMT

ひさしぶり。

Every time I find myself in the mood for blogging and writing down my thoughts, I always end up wanting to stop immediately. Even and especially when I find something incredibly relevant, heartfelt, or important... there's just still an element of distrust in every expressible medium. Still, like many of my generation, where often times the only means of true expression is through the all-encompassing web, I guess there's few other resources at my disposal. That said:

Boston University sent me another email today. They still have yet to receive and file my spring grades. This is most frustrating to say in the least. Last thursday as two buddies and I were visiting a mentor in Amherst, I made it a point to pick up my spring transcript so I could hand deliver it to the Undergraduate Admissions Office in Boston University. I delivered it on Monday and it is now Thursday. I'm beginning to wonder about transferring. I mean, I've always had my doubts - especially considering the financial strain that it'll put on my parents. I've got a good deal at Umass - I've got a management level job, I'm probably going to be able to double major and stay an extra year (which'll really help me as an Accounting major), I've got great friends - from church and elsewhere, and when I graduate, I'll be debt free so I can get my tail to Beijing immediately after graduation. All this leads me to question my motivation for transfering in the first place. Well...

1) I, perhaps like many others, feel suffocated. I feel suffocated by the walls of comfort and complacency that I've built around myself. While these walls have allowed me a safe zone to come back to - a home away from home, they've also sheltered me from reality. I don't know if BU is the answer, I really don't, but at this point I feel like anything is better than staying where I am. This has been a re-occuring theme in my life this past semester. I've felt a deep desire to leave this place. I'm not only talking about Umass, I'm talking about anything and everything that is comfortable. In some ways, I feel like I need to spread out these wings and fly. Honestly, I have no idea whether I'll find or acheive "success", but in some ways I don't think I'm even searching for that. I just want to experience the process and whether I crash and burn, I'm all for it.

2) In addition to feelings of suffocation, I've been feeling... death. At the risk of sounding really morbid, I don't say 'death' because I'm trying to exaggerate my state of emo-ness, but because I don't think any other word can better describe the state of my spiritual man. Perhaps this is just a continuation of reason 1) with the crash and burn analogy, but to continue that analogy, perhaps what I'm hoping for is the resurrection. The phoenix that is reborn from the ashes - you know what I mean. I've been feeling spiritually dead for the past year.

My college church does almost nothing for me. There really are no leaders in the church in whom I can find any refuge. When IBM graduated last year, that was the end for me. Well, maybe it was even earlier. When SCA's piece of shit husband/ pastor went and showed his true colors, I think that got me well enough to reverse some of the flow. Maybe I never liked the man, but definitely since then I've found myself slowly closing up.

3) I should mention, I guess, the initial excuse of a reason why I wanted to transfer. I wanted to reset my grade point average. I had a 2.78 or something like that at the end of my freshman year. Long story short, some things happened last summer that really made want to try harder. I believed I could do it and when I got my first (ever) 4.0 at the end of fall semester this year, I felt like it was confirmation. I guess I have deep regrets about how I approached my high school career. Whether it's too little, too late or whether this motivation is totally bogus... I don't really care. I think I'm honestly past that stage in my life where I want to live according to the expectations of others. All I know is, I want to get into a great graduate school and I'd like to end my college career with as high a GPA as possible.

~ ~ ~

Hmm. To end this lovely and very stream-of-consciousness-esque post...

there was a bird who was missing part of his head/

it was the cat who uses our yard as a bed/

he was missing some hair and had a broken wing\

it was no surprise when he didn't want to sing\

in the end after not much deliberation/

father took him in, in hopes of restoration/

alas the next day it was raining cats and dogs\

but that didn't stop the cat, who finished the job\

A Shinagawa Monkey - Murakami Haruki

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 21:53:53 GMT

Heya S,
Read this short story- I want to talk to you about it sometime. I'd protect this, but I guess others can read it if they like, right? It's from an issue of the New Yorker, with Murakami Haruki.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

http://hellenvanmeene.com/library/press/2006/the_new_yorker/http___www.newyorker.com_printables_fiction_060213fi_fiction.pdf

time, presently leaving.

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 02:41:44 GMT

dreams are but a reflection, prayers but a dream.
in this time of new directions and new seasons,
will you and i have a real reason?

silently the clocks tick away, our youth no longer guaranteed.
but i ask you a question, this is more than mere expression,
i want a confession, a confession from you to me.

"why do you ask? why do you seek?" said she,
"this confession will may never come from me,
so why can't you let me be? begone! speak not to me."

the chamber doors open and soundlessly i leave,
but she knows not how much she means to me.
in the end, it is these dreams that cause me to weep.

Sleepless Lights

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 07:34:03 GMT

If you really knew about the sixth day,
would you still say that your heart breaks?
For what is this Love, that you would be so led
astray. Astray, far away. astray Love,

Longing desperately to believe in
unconditionality is a but fantasy,
lost underneath the weight of inevitabilities.
Hope is gone and faith is lost, but

Lead me not astray. For I long for. Here.
Forever more, a love. a hope. a Faith.
My dear, my beloved one. The silhouette
before you is but a shell of a former self.

This

one.

And

You.

Untitled Post 11.19.08

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 03:50:27 GMT

A lot of us are struggling these days. I feel it, I hear it, I see it everywhere.
-
At least for me, the major component is time management. Trying to manage school, church, friends and work has never really been so tough. The schoolwork is definitely becoming more challenging; so much changes when the aim is to actually make the 'A' and not just scrape by with a 'C'. I'm really trying to get into Isenberg and it's kinda tough starting with my ugly 2.72 GPA. I calculated it out. Mathematically, I need two semesters of straight As (with 18 credits, each) in order to reach the 3.5 GPA. As for this semester, I think I'm close. I have four As, one A- and one really screwed up I-have-no-F-ing-idea-grade in my low level computer science class. I'm hoping to do an 8 page paper for extra credit to raise the A- to an A then play around with HTML a lot over the winter to prepare for the final.
-
Work. I mean, literally, the on-campus job I'm working has been really good. I'm happy to be with Oit, definitely. I got promoted to the Staffroom and the LC, which was good. But really, I'm looking forward to my interview for a manager position. Well, there is a bit of a conflict. Next semester is going to be the most important time of my college career- whether I get into Isenberg or not could really affect my life so I'm really hoping that my job won't interfere with that. It shouldn't, if I manage my time better.
-
Friends. I've had a lot of trouble with this one recently. I haven't been able to hang out with a lot of people in the way that I want to this semester. I mean, I'm all about quality time- even if that means just hanging out somewhere to watch paint dry. I haven't seen Mark in two weeks, ever since volleyball ended. I haven't talked to Debbie this week since retreat is coming up. I haven't even been able to talk much with my roommate because of how much work he has. The time that I spend with my other friends have been... unfulfilling, to say in the least. Recently, I feel like I've given a lot of myself; to help, to hold, to listen to and to support. Call it my selfish nature or my ignorance but I feel really neglected. But then again, am I entitled to feel loved all the time? It's a tough question.
-
Speaking of neglection, and even the fact that this is so low in the actual form of this entry, I feel absolutely guilty about neglecting God. I've had like two or three sessions with him this whole semester. AKC had a guest preacher, Pastor Seung Su come a few weekends ago. He talked about this- when Quiet Times are mentioned, do I feel guilty or do I feel a thirst to know God more? I feel guilty.
-
God help me. My faith is weak.
Come and be strong for me.

One Gone, Love Come

Sun, 12 Oct 2008 05:38:25 GMT

Woke up this morning but something was wrong.
Eyes, blurry from the sun’s piercings through my window,
and that’s when I knew, the Love was gone.

Actions, reactions, prayers and songs,
one by one, all in all, pale comparisons.
In just this week, the Love was gone.

How could this change have happened so spontaneously?
Was our friendship just a farce, a game, an obligation?
Redemption in of itself, but no more- the Love is gone.

This very day, just two years ago, was was was blood- suffering
an expectation beyond imagination of something totally unreal
unclear and unloved. That was the end, the Love was gone.

Wake up, live, and die. Destined to be? Is that my Destiny
The narrow path is unbecoming right before my eyes. Visible
and Invisible within a matter of time. A life when the Love is gone.

Dearest, I’ll call out to you when the time comes. Be, my dearest
and I promise you that even when the day is darker than the night,
I’ll be there for you regardless if this Love is gone.

For always,
Love is Come.

Autumn Blindness. Falling Darkness.

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 01:40:14 GMT

There is something deeply symbolic about our sight. Through the scope of our eyes- the corneas, the irises, the lids and the lens we are able to take in so much more than we realize. We take for granted the raw power that comes from our ability to perceive our surroundings and the effect that we have on those around us- the ability to see.

"You have the eyes. You can see it, can't you?"

Everyday words filled with a hidden understanding. An unavoidable sense of responsibility weighs upon me like the sphere of humanity that is set upon the shoulders of Atlas. When he told me what he saw, that's when I knew it was unavoidable. Rather exclusively we shared a gift- a talent of perception.

The truth is, this gift has become a curse and a prison. This season, I've been writing more and more on what it means to be a hero, a man, a role model of sorts, but more and more I've become accustomed to seeing heroes become villains, men become monsters, and role models become enslaved to the fabrications of their minds. The worst part is, I see myself in them and I see them in me.

-

Hope, for our existence and our future, is harder and harder to grasp.
Faith, for the God that supposedly holds the world in his hand, is slowly but undeniably fading.
Love, for even those closest to me, has grown cold and vague.

-

There is so much more than just one.

-

More than ever, I question my eyesight. I ask myself every day. Is the sky is really that dim or are my eyes just losing their luster? Is this change of this season destined as the finale? The end of time? The last days? Is this the time with the so called great "falling away"?

Here it is. The Truth. The Truth is. This. This is. Truth.
I feel it. The Fall. The Falling. I. Fall. I'm. Falling.
It is. Now. Fall. Fall. Fall. Fall is Coming. Fall is here. I have.

I have decided...

Sat, 19 Jul 2008 12:40:47 GMT

In a previous entry, I wrote about the lesson that I'm begrudgingly learning. Really, it's a lesson that I did not ask for (unless I did but got some unexpected results). Slowly, I really feel like God has been destroying the ideas I've had in my mind about what Identity really is.

Again, it's been over a month since I've last prayed. It's been over three weeks since I've last touched the Bible. My intimacy level with God is like two porcupines trying to have sex. It's just not happening, not yet. I've been pretty stubborn so far. But it's getting harder and harder to ignore it. There are signs all around me.

As I've written earlier, my jobs are really... slow, boring, meticulous, pointless (outside of the endeavor of making money, which as an ends is also pointless), etc. My friends had in some ways really let down (in some ways, because of an Ezer, we've patched things up). And the main girl that I'd liked for a while, well, never mind about that.

These three things I wrote about last entry; career, friendship, love. Core desires and necessities in their own right but ultimately not the source of true Identity. I'm still looking for that. Which is the point of this entry. The title of this is "I have decided..." and what I've decided is... to give up on Japan. To give up on a dream. Probably for the last two years, that dream has confined me into a prison. My thought processes are completely outside of reality when I try to rationally analyze myself and my relationship with God. I've done so many things, made so many decisions (irrationally), for the sake of Japan... and not for the sake of God.

I've noticed this recently. It's been hard for me to engage with God because I've constantly been thinking about the testimony that comes from it. I'm always wanting to share with others some sort of new revelation (hence this entry, perhaps), or lead others into worship when my own heart is not on worshipping God. I've become like a devil, trying to create worship for myself instead.

I really hate it. So I'm going to give up all thoughts, all ideas, my entire dream of going to Japan as a long term missionary. I'm going to give up thoughts of ministry right now. I'm going to give up everything so that I may maybe reconcile with God and reality.

I've been writing about it for a while, but I really want to make it happen. If you read this. Pray for me.

-Yichao

Re-occurring theme of Heroes

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 12:42:21 GMT

Just wanted to post a quick question before work:

Do you have any heroes in your life (Real or Fictional)?

Who are they?

What are they like?

What qualities make them heroic to you?

-

For some reason, I was also thinking about anti-heroes this morning. "Protagonists lacking the attributes present in conventional heroes", but what about these anti-heroes allow them to still be regarded as heroic? Why is one man a hero, a villain, or a regular side character?

What do you think?