Sunday, 13 July 2008

• In the becoming of a Man

  The truth is, this summer has been one of my most challenging episodes of life.
  I've pretty much lived this time in wandering uncertainty and hopelessness.
  
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  I started working at City Sports with a full-time schedule and lots of drive and ambition to do my best for a car and "for the experience" but in doing that, the work pretty much sapped the life out of me; I began to feel like my youthful vitality was being slowly sucked out... like a drink out of a straw.
  
  In the beginning of the summer, my father had told me that he would sell me his car for three thousand dollars as well as pay for my insurance for the upcoming school year. A few weeks ago, we had a talk about it and through our talk I realized that if I took his offer, my parents would be taking a huge loss. The car is worth much more than that, and the insurance would take another two thousand anyway so in the end, we cut off the deal.
  
  In doing this, my drive and motivation for working began to deteriorate faster than detergent in the laundry machine. I was working the same long hours, with absolutely no real purpose.
  
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  Growing up, there were periods where my family would relocate two or three times a year. The name of our only companion was Change. Friendship is a luxury had to come by for families like mine. Fast forward until the present and we've "settled down" in Boston for the last seven years or so.
  
  In this time, I've made some really good friends, lost many great friends, and have made it to college with just a small handful. The meaning of friendship is significant to me. Faithfulness, loyalty, trust, restfulness, connection, communication, relaxation, comfort, sincerity, truth. These are the words that I associated with the idea or I should say, 'ideal' of friendship.
  
  But, perhaps I've been expecting too much without putting out enough. I've lost a considerable amount of trust for even closest of friends. Perhaps it's a physical distance, perhaps it's the lack of quality time spent together, but whatever the reason, the mutual respect and trust and sense of understanding is not there; I feel like I've been misunderstood purposefully.
  
  The truth is, and in this sense I'm really like my father, I really hate clinging on to the ties of friendship when all that's holding it together is the past. I hate it when I have to make all the effort in trying to connect or trying to understand. I'm just not that kind of person.
  
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  There is a really important person in my life that I'd like to write about. Her name probably does not need to be mentioned but for the sake of ease, permit me to call her Eve. The truth is, my relationship with her has been one of the most, if not the most difficult endeavors I've ever attempted.
  
  Regardless of what anyone says, I know my heart, I know my motivations, and I know that I genuinely care about Eve. I can even truthfully say that I love her. But because of unmet "qualifications" on both parts and because of different beliefs and circumstances, I don't believe we'll move beyond the level of friendship that we possess now.
  
  This past month, I think I can easily say that I was in quiet devastation. Whether due to miscommunication or simply the refusal to walk alongside one another, my hopes have gently floated away into in-existence. While it's always hard to admit weakness, hurt or pain,  to ignore it or pretend that it doesn't exist is simply too cowardly way to deal with it.
  
  But I've drawn something from Eve. I mean, I've drawn a lot from everything that's been happening to me, and Eve is really a big part. In my time of "quiet devastation", I began to realize the need to find my true weight. Perhaps 'identity' is the best word to describe what I've been searching for.
  
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  Up until now, everything I've written was naught but the introduction to what I really want to communicate. Whether it is Career, Friendship or Eve, my identity cannot be found in these. Up until now, I have not mentioned the most important aspect of life. God. 神さま。
  
  Those who know me know that I have one desire for this life.  To go and bring the light of God himself to the deep darkness that is the land of Japan. To make a difference in the world.
  
  But even though this is my one true desire for my life, I have a confession to make. I have not talked with God for this entire summer. I have not prayed. I have not drawn anything from the Word of life. Instead, I have spent my waking hours doing everything else. From working, to socializing, to playing tennis, singing, flirting, hanging out with friends, watching movies, tv shows, eating out, working out, staying up, reading books, surfing the net, recording music, committing various sins here and there, etc etc... everything but God.
  
  The truth is, this is the real reason I'm hurting. This is the real reason for everything. The tiresome work environment, the disappointment of even my best friends, the rejection of Eve, and it's all come back to this. God's trying to break me. The truth is, he knows my desire. He knows what I want to do. But he's trying to tell me that I can't do it. Not on my own.
  
  I've been seeing it everywhere. Even the anime that I've been watching, I really believe God has been speaking to me through them. From searching for Paradise and the realization of a new world in Wolf's Rain, to Jin saving Shino in Samurai Champloo and even Athrun and Kira fighting for freedom and justice in Gundam Seed Destiny... I'm slowly able to see it. My identity.
  
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  God knows my heart. He knows that I want to be a hero. God wants me to be realize that dream. Destiny. Identity. The essense of what it means to be a Man. The next step however, is the realization of this destiny.
  
  In my current state of near-death, I realize that I can not do this with him;
  even and especially now,  I need God.
  
  
  
  

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